old dogs & new tricks...

so, tonight while we enjoyed $5 footlongs at subway, after walking reed's lake, my friends katie and "katie's friend" trisha and i were talking about life and its sweet and savory moments. i pulled out my wallet to show them some pictures of the nieces and nephews, the parents, friends AND accidently a picture of an old flame that was hidden in the back.

katie, who i have been friends with for a few years, and who knows my story and the handful of tragically terse and unsuccessful romances i have had, boldly commented that it was time for me to get rid of that picture AND my comforting thoughts of the old flame, especially considering i was left broken-hearted and a wreck when it ended, and move on. "katie's friend" trisha then said, "yeah, it seems like you have a pattern of falling for the wrong people."

now don't get me wrong, you may think that i need to find some more supportive and optimistic friends. not true. i believe katie AND "katie's friend" trisha, though i've only known her for 30 seconds, genuinely care about me and with whom i share my heart. THIS is why their words, especially "katie's friend" trisha, who i've only spoken with a few times, could so clearly and accurately point out my tragic habit of looking for love in all the wrong places.

i DO keep looking for love in all the wrong places. the thing is, i'm not really looking when it happens to stumble into my life. which is why out of nowhere i'm smitten, taken, "in love" so quickly with a new, charming and amazing somebody. this becomes a problem because as i become so consumed with the possibility of a budding romance or the thought that "this could be the one," i frequently find myself in over my head, thinking the relationship is more than it is and finding myself carelessly ready to commit to someone who may not even be interested in anything more than a cup of coffee and some random and quirky conversation.

the process of percieving your own situation accurately is ridiculously and painfully difficult. in the sociology class i teach we study that often times we don't recognize our own behaviors in our every day life. usually it takes someone else to point them out. well for me, others have been pointing out my inability to do what's best for me when it comes to intimate relationships for a long time. why is it so hard to see? maybe because we don't want to appear selfish or we don't want anyone to actually seeing us being vulnerable...and to admit such may be just that.

the moral of this story is that at times i feel like an old dog who is incapable of learning new tricks. in other words, i'm doomed, destined for lonliness and devastation because i can't get this intimacy thing right. then at times i feel like an old dog who simply hasn't tried any new tricks because she's afraid of the unknown... and healthy or not, remains stuck in the "comfort" of her old tricks.

yeah, that's the kind of dog i am.

more to come...