the ride from hell...

so i decided to ride the moped over to visit with my friend grandville amy...who...lives...in...grandville.

ok...so my biggest nightmare in thinking about riding the thing has not been crashing or following rules or anything like that, but rather that the bike would not function properly and i would look foolish in the middle of a busy street as a result. yesterday, that nightmare became a reality.
now, i can appreciate the more humorous things in life that seem tragic to those that are experiencing them, but frickin' hilarious to everyone else, but yesterday's drama never once crossed my mind as funny, although i'm sure anyone who saw me enjoyed pure delight at my expense.

i chose to take as many back roads as i could to get to grandville so i could avoid lots of traffic. unfortunately, at some point i did have to cross 28th street. i approached the stop light at a less busy intersection and as i rolled to stop behind the escalade in front of me, the motor on the BAT-mobile just shut down. recognizing immediately that this was my hell, i stayed on the bike, and quickly yanked the thing up on the curb off the street in front of a gas station. the sucky thing about restarting the bike is that you have to pedal it like a bike (it is a moPED), hold the clutch, the choke and slowly give it gas to go. so here i am on this tiny motorcylce, pedaling like crazy (it's like pedaling a stationary bike before you adjust it to any speed or incline...very easy to pedal, but very fast, so fast that your legs can hardly keep up) trying desperately not to draw too much attention to myself and praying no one i knew saw me. fortunately i got it started right away and pulled onto the street and as the light turned yellow i speeded through across the intersection.

i thought i was out of trouble, as the streets cleared and it was just me and the moped. but as i rode down the street gradually giving it more and more gas, the speed started dropping and i could tell that the bike was dying again. after three or four times of restarting the thing, my shirt soaked with sweat, being out of breath from the insane pedaling, and only a mile into the trip, i decided to abort the mission and go back home.

again i had to cross 28th street and panicked at the thought of the bike dying again if i slowed down too much. so i kept a good distance behind the other cars on the road and just drove in small circles behind them, like some sort of crappy parade exhibition, until the light turned green and i could proceed without stopping. however, as soon as i got across it died again. again, another four or sevety-three attempts to restart the bike, which included me walking the bike while on it over and over again to get out of the way of other cars and pedaling like a mad man to restart it and i felt like i was going to pass out from dehydration and exhaustion.

once i got it going and could finally see my house, my exhaustion kicked in and my head started tingling, i saw stars in my vision and my hearing went from normal to that high-pitched sound you hear just before you pass out. i had to stop the bike (no problem doing that) or i knew i was going to pass out. i laid it on the side of the road, took off my helmet and with mad sweat dripping from every part of my body, i laid on the grass for a good fifteen minutes trying to regain my sanity.

so an hour into the journey and two blocks from my house, i finally called grandville amy and said i would not be making it over, and that i might not even make it out this stranger's yard. though she had sympathy, she also couldn't stop laughing at the thought of how ridiculously hilarious i probably looked.

i finally made it home, (to which my neighbor said, that was a quick trip) parked the thing in the garage, came inside, guzzled at least a gallon of water and laid on the kitchen floor cooling myself off and contemplating what i should do next with the moped from hell.

more to come...